Five episodes of Sex and the City and 3 pills later, I am contently curled up with my laptop & my boyfriend's old T-shirt. It's different being home, now that I've spent most of my time away. In a way, I do feel at home and comfortable, but I also feel like somewhat of a stranger in my own home. With nothing to keep me busy during the day, unlike my high school years, I don't really know how to fit in with everyone else's schedule. Do I still do the dishes, or has someone else replaced me? Or maybe I should clear the table. Would it be weird if I actually practiced violin?

I sort of just find myself wanting to either veg out, be with friends or try to catch a good time to talk to he-who-is-3,000 miles-away. And sometimes, I find myself wishing to go back to school, where even on days when I'm so tired and busy, I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.

Anyway, my jaw is bothering me too much for me to continue with these thoughts. Hopefully I'll be able to fully chew my food soon. Maybe that's the only part of being home that bothers me.

just uploading this pic so I can use it as my bg!

Class of 2013

It's hard to believe that this time 3 months ago, I attended my first college lecture and was still scrambling around to get into the classes that I wanted. I now consider myself a seasoned, if not a less noobish, veteran. Because I'm the class of 2013, I'm going to share 20 lessons I've learned & 13 new things experiences I've had!

Lesson #1:

Do not pick up cups at a party and drink from them. Keep YOUR cup with you at all times.

Lesson #2:

Always eat before going out.

Lesson #3:

And do not eat AFTER (especially when you've already consumed 1000+ calories in alcohol)

Lesson #4:

When drunk suitemates bang on the door at 3AM, turn off all your lights and pretend you're not there to avoid hosting them in your own bed.

Lesson #5:

Make friends in big lectures so they can save seats for you if you have back to back classes :)

Lesson #6:

Stay away from Turkey burgers. And tofu.

Lesson #7:

Make friends with upperclassmen (with cars!)

Lesson #8:

Join organizations to meet new people! And actually participate in their activities

Lesson #9:

Don't go to pointless lectures in which the professor just makes you fall asleep, especially if they're morning classes.

Lesson #10:

Skipping class kicks you in the butt. I think I have proven that one wrong.

Lesson #11:

Look out for one another. You'll be able to tell who your real friends are.

Lesson #12:

Keep in touch with your old friends, because they ARE your real friends.

Lesson #13:

Keep track of how many meals you have left in the week to save yourself from the embarrassment of getting your card rejected.

Lesson #14:

Learn to manage your money.

Lesson #15:

Try different drinks at the cafe until you find your favorites. Oh & make friends with the baristas.

Lesson #16:

Figure out when the dining halls & libraries are open to avoid walking 10 minutes for nothing.

Lesson #17:

Make use of the bus system and master it.

Lesson #18:

Come up with a witty and unforgettable way to introduce yourself. People won't forget your name & it's always a great conversation starter.

Lesson #19:

Turn your printer off when you're not using it. Not only does it save energy, it also does not turn your warm printer into a lovely home for cockroaches.

Lesson #20:

Even if you have wireless, make sure you have an ethernet cable. It'll save your life.

13 Things New Experiences:

1. Attending an a capella concert

2. Walking a dog

3. Eating salad on a daily basis

4. Ice Cream + Coffee in the dining halls to make a delicious frap

5. Taking care of drunk people

6. (Dressing up for a) College football game & tailgating

7. Staying up until 4AM to watch meteors

8. Riding the Greyhound & train all by myself

9. Being in a class with 500 people

10. Large scale scavenger hunt

11. Playing games online during class

12. Frat parties

13. Riding a trolley as a common mode of transportation

Sadly, I have yet to streak the lawn or go steam tunneling (2 UVA traditions). But not to fear, I will go steam tunneling soon. . .And as for streaking. . .well, I'm not sure when that's gonna happen!

Happy holidays everyone!

@ Mr. Jefferson's School

There was a wriggly caterpillar or silkworm-type bug dangling from a thin thread right above my head. It danced up and down, threatening to fall onto my lap at any moment. While I glanced precariously at the jitter bug every few seconds, the president of UVA was talking about safe sex.

"Gentlemen, remember that 'No' means 'No'."

Was there a point to all the statistics that Mr. Casteen had just recited to us about the incoming freshman class? Was there a point to this feeble attempt at preventing sexual harassment on grounds?

"And now, may the person closest to the 7th lawn room will please look under the welcome mat and bring me the letter hiding beneath it?"

What? There was a secret letter hiding under a welcome mat? My eyes averted from the dancing caterpillar to Mr. Casteen, who was now receiving a letter from a young lady who clearly felt that she had been at the wrong place at the wrong time. In the distance, the bell tower stuck 7.

"We, the society of the sevens, would like to welcome the class of 2013," read Mr. Casteen.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was experiencing an encounter with one of the oldest secret societies of UVA! OK, so it wasn't a direct encounter but still, as a part of the class of 2013, I think that I should count myself welcomed by the Sevens. It was all so surreal: the letter under the 7th lawn dorm, being read at 7PM sharp, and the donation of $1,777.77 to our class council. I chuckled as I thought back upon the sex talk our president had tried to give. Perhaps he was just trying to buy some time so that this strange but exciting tradition would be played out perfectly.

I felt extremely lucky to be sitting on the very lawn that Thomas Jefferson designed, in the very seats that the late Senator Kennedy, Katie Couric and many others before me had sat. The experience was overwhelming to say the least. I was actually in college. I would be starting classes soon, trying new activities, trying to make new friends all while trying to keep in touch with the people whom I've already grown so close to over the past 12 years of my life. Would I be able to do everything that I want to do? Would I be able to create a new life from a clean slate? I hope so.

Thinking about my previous entry, I realized that it could not be more relevant to my life, especially now that I'm starting my 1st year of college. I don't want to be defined just by my skin color or race, or by a single activity that I'm involved in. It's the compilation of all of these things that make up who I am, so I will not be afraid to try the Fencing club or the Ballroom Dancing club or any other activity that isn't typically "me". I will try everything that my heart desires.

Ambi-

-dextrous
-guity
-valent

I never realized how fitting the prefix "ambi" is for me. Though I'm not ambidextrous, and I am only sometimes ambiguous and ambivalent, the definition of the prefix itself seems to fit my current state of life: meaning both and around.

I started packing some of my clothes (for real) tonight and I came across my ever beloved shirt-dress. It hung in the back of my closet, with all the other dresses, but as I tired to fold it carefully so that I would not have to resort to ironing it later, I realized that the material is closer to a button down shirt. As I pondered over which pile to put this shirt-dress-- the dress pile or the shirt pile-- I finally realized why I love the conglomerate article of clothing so much. It isn't defined by a singular term: either as a shirt or a dress. Because it has the properties of both types of clothing, it's in a category of its own, but at the same time, it can also be placed into either pile and be just fine. Perhaps my attraction to this strange garment stems from my own wish to be unique and "undefineable". I want to be ambi. Not, omni because I don't want to be ALL, I just want to be. . .a conglomerate of a few properties. And I guess along that line, I sort of want to be able to fit in and be accepted for my singular interests and characteristics while still being able to be an individual as a whole.

I'm going to stop here before this post starts sounding more and more like an college application essay.

I sort of just want to enjoy the moment of discovering a deeper meaning behind a little black dress.

It's a Hard Knock Life

Because I've gotten in the habit of going to bed so late every night, as a cause of Webchatting with my boyfriend living on Pacific time, I can't sleep right now. I should be exhausted though.

I can't sleep because I've been very bothered by what I'm seeing on Sex and the City. So, it started when I watched Sex and the City, the movie, for the first time a few weeks ago. Then, I downloaded the 1st 2 seasons of the TV show to see what the show was actually like. At first, I was appalled by the ugly '90s fashion and the multiple asides that makes up the show (because Carrie "interviews" all these people for her column, so they talk into the camera lens, which is a bit weird). But then, as I watched more and more, I realized that the common dating dilemmas that Carrie and her friends faced are actually not so different from ones that young adults and even teenagers are still experiencing: Guys just want the physical with no emotional attachments, Sex can turn into a power struggle or a demonstration of power in a relationship, Guys with weird fetishes, Guys who don't call girls back even though they promised, Monogamy vs. Friends With Benefits. What haven't we seen or experienced? What hasn't made us want to pull out all of the hair that we worked so hard to grow out and tame? Why is it that with advances in medicine and technology and an overall betterment of our lifestyle, we still see the same dating nightmares?

And all of it is so ironic. When women want a serious relationship, guys don't. So then we try to be like a guy and take a dab at the whole "friends with benefits" thing, but then we find out that the guy we're trying that with actually wants to be in a relationship. And in the end, we're the ones who get labeled as whores, heartbreakers and bitches. Rough life.

What's even more depressing is that these dilemmas will evolve and become more complex as we get older. Then, apartments, jobs, money and the dreaded biological clock will only serve as gas being added to a crackling flame. I just don't understand why it's so hard to find another person with the same intentions, goals and values. I'm sure you're snorting as you read this. Afterall, it's coming from a happily dating girl. What has she got to complain about, right? The thing is, SATC isn't exactly painting a very bright picture of the future (not to mention it feeds into my aversion of cities). I hope that the quality of relationships and the ease of dating will be directly proportional to the advancements in technology because otherwise, we're in for a pretty hard knock life.

Death of an Elephant

I started reading Water for Elephants today, after I saw a copy of it in Chinese at the library. That doesn't quite explain why I stopped reading the Life of Pi & picked up Water for Elephants, which had already been sitting at home for a week, but basically, I thought, "Well, if it got translated into Chinese, then it must be a worthwhile book to read."

So, as I'm reading, this horrible feeling of dread and fear creep up on me because the narrator is 90-something years old in the first chapter. I couldn't help but to picture wrinkly, helpless senior citizens sitting around in the cafeteria knowing that today, tomorrow, or perhaps a week from now, would be their last day on earth. Then I began thinking about what would happen to me when I die. The most unpleasant part to imagine was having dirt dumped over my face, but I soon realized that that would never happen, because I would be inside a coffin. But seriously, the most unsettling part about death is not knowing what happens to your body and to your soul, if there even is such a thing. Would it just be like being paralyzed in a dark room? Or would it be like sleeping, where you're taken into a dream world? I wonder if people will ever think of me after I pass and if I'll be aware that they're thinking of me. I wonder if I'll be aware of anything at all. What am I supposed to do and where am I supposed to be after I leave this world? I don't really know the answers to any of these questions and I'm sure that no matter what faith or religion you believe, there are no concrete pieces of evidence to support what people believe to happen to people after death. No one has ever come back from the grave to let us know, so we can only speculate. . .which led me to think that perhaps I need to believe in something. Not just a something that I make up in my head, but an actual cause or religion. I want to believe that there is a heaven, or that we reincarnate or that our soul lives on because I can't just accept darkness and emptiness.

I'm taking a religion class (Tibetan Buddhism) in the fall, because the religion class I wanted to take (Faith and Doubt in the Modern Age) didn't fit into my schedule. But I also want to explore other religious groups on campus and hopefully, the next time I think about death, I won't feel so uneasy.

Sick(o)

I tried watching Sicko, the Michael Moore film, but I couldn't stomach it. It wasn't gory or anything, but the fact that people have to live in deplorable situations simply because their healthcare costs drove them out of their homes makes me sick. If people with health insurance can't even afford multiple surgeries and hospitalizations, how can those without it cope? Unfortunately for me, I was eating when I started watching the movie and I had to stop because I felt so nauseated. Maybe I'll continue some other time.

Good Ol' UVA

Well, sure enough, I did have fun on July 6th because I was at orientation. Coincidence? Meant to be? Contrived? Take your pick.

I think orientation is meant to ease your worries because you get so many of your questions answered and you get to meet a few people before starting school etc. But for me, the whole ordeal just made the pre-college nerves worse.

I hated meeting so many Virginians. I tried to screen whom I met over the past few days by discreetly checking out people's name tags first to see where they were from before approaching them to say hi. Much to my dismay, trying to find an out-of-state student was a combination of trying to pick out the fine bones in a fish fillet combined with trying to pick perfect apples from a pile of last week's imports: tedious and nearly impossible. And for some reason, I was always surrounded by nursing students, whom I would hardly ever see again once school started because their classes are mostly in their own area of the campus. I'll just attribute the latter to luck (or rather lack thereof).

The only other aspect of UVA that I'm uncomfortable with is overwhelming whiteness and preppiness of the whole place. It makes me not want to get a Vera Bradley all-in-one wristlet, as useful and convenient as they are. I simply don't want to be just like everyone else, but at the same time, I can't help but wish that I would effortlessly be accepted by my peers. But, in order for that to happen, would I have to get one of those horribly floral wristlets along with a pair of Rainbows and some J. Crew cardigans. Yeah, I'm already spending thousands of dollars on tuition, definitely not gonna waste more money on stuff that everyone else has.

So hopefully, the school year will be nothing like orientation. I'm not sure whether I should just try to meet as many people as I can instead of picking out out-of-state students, non-preppy people, pre-comm etc. Maybe the problem isn't everyone else; it's me. I probably just need to get over myself & get over my Maryland-ness.

1st's

I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write a new post on the FIRST day of July, now could I?

Well, I would say today was more eventful than most because I was not at home, but then again, reading the last of the Twilight Saga while sitting in your dad's cubicle isn't exactly what most people would call eventful. When writing that, I think of those 6 Flags commercials with the tag line, "More flags, more fun." And today was definitely just ONE flag.

I thought about rating today as maybe just HALF a flag, but there were a few things that bumped it up to a full one.

1. We went to Ban Thai for lunch, one of my favorite Thai places actually. Well, I say favorite because it's the only Thai restaurant I've tried and haven't absolutely hated because of the extreme lack of authenticity in the food. Somehow, the dish that my Dad got with 2 "spicy stars" was pleasantly mild compared to my dish rated with only 1 spicy star.

2. We walked a few blocks to a bank. I really despise walking on the streets of Baltimore. I can't help but clutch my purse closer to my side the way I do in China, but not for the fear of having some poor orphan "pick-pocket" you, but for the fear of seriously getting mugged. Pick-pocketing and mugging are two VERY different things. . .

3. I then had to walk across the street all by myself to withdraw some money, which wouldn't have been so bad had the amount been the usual $20. I had to withdraw $3,000 (in order to put it into a new Citibank account). And little did I know, ATMs have a daily limit on the withdrawal amount. Great. I walked back across the street trying not to look like I just stuffed 25 $20-bills in my clutch. The Cantonese personal banker told me to actually go inside the other bank and make the withdrawal. Just what I wanted to hear, another trip across the street. So I walk back, go inside this time and bug out at the length of the line. Impatiently, I scoot behind a tall white guy and tried to peak around him every few minutes to see if the first person in line had perhaps fallen asleep. She hadn't. It was really taking this long. Finally, when it's my turn, I ask for the rest of my money, hoping that she was going to spare me and give me a check so my clutch wouldn't grown any fatter. No luck there. She handed me a thick envelope and called for the next person in line. I envied the person who would get to mug me today, but hoped that there would be no such person. As you may have already guessed, nothing happened to me as I passed a bunch of people waiting lazily for the bus, or when I stood at the intersection to wait for the traffic signal or when I was finally walking across to the other side of St. Paul's Street.

4. After I felt like my heart couldn't take another moment of excitement, the banker told me to spin a fortune wheel type thing for the chance to win a prize. The words flashed by, "$10 gift card", "$50 gift card", "Baseball cap" etc. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied a Cannon digital camera on display at the prize table perched next to a green Froggy-bank. I didn't want to get my hopes up because I knew then I would never get it for sure, but I couldn't help but give out a sigh of disappointment when the arrow passed the Froggy-bank label and landed on the words "Travel mug." Wonderful, another excuse to feed my caffeine addiction. That's really gonna help me grow taller and age gracefully. Not.

I really wanted that Froggy bank :( I think that would've bumped the fun flag rating to 2 or 2.5. Oh well, I guess it's appropriate that I only get 1 fun flag for the 1st of July. Maybe I'll have more fun on July 6th!

Lessons from Piercings

I have pretty bad hearing, especially when it comes to phone calls, so when a guy from Bank of America called to set up an interview, I completely missed his name & had to call him back to ask for it again. I tried to keep the conversation as short as possible to spare myself the embarrassment, but before I hung up, he asked, "Are you a runner?" I was caught off guard. Did I run? What kind of a question was that? "Oh no, I'm not." I replied, laughing uneasily, expecting an explanation to this unexpected question. But he just said, "OK, see you Monday then," and hung up.

I was left wondering whether or not he was some sort of creepy character whom I would have to work for, for an entire summer. And sure enough, this morning, I was greeted by a short, skinny, middle-aged man with a spiky piercing in his left ear. I also spied one of those therapeutic baseball necklaces around his neck, underneath his plaid shirt. "Very professional," I thought. Maybe my speculation about his creepiness did have some merit afterall.

I've done a dozen interviews before, but this one really made me think. I really didn't know what I ultimately wanted to do in life. Was I supposed to pull out some bullshit answer like become a manager of an investment firm? Start my own fashion line? Invest in high-end restaurants? Sure, those were things I want to do, but they sounded silly, even inside my head. I have no idea what's it's like to do any of those things, so I just gave him the truth: "I don't think I've figured that out yet."

But, I did tell him that right now, at least, I'm interested in the psychology of consumers and how that factors into their decision-making. Luckily, it struck a conversation. I sat in my seat, nodding and sprinkling a few "mhmm's" and "right's" here and there while trying to wade through corporate-speak in order to understand the essentials of what he was saying. Hopefully, I didn't look like a deer caught in headlights. I'm sure part of his speeches were gimmicks to motivate me even before I started and to show me how interesting and valuable it would be to work for him, but I believed it. I haven't talked to too many people of his, ranking, let's say, but I wondered and hoped that every manager I would encounter in the future would be like him-- not the creepy part, but the no-bullshit and motivating part.

Sure, I've been in leadership positions before, but I don't think I've really reached the pinnacle of what it means to be a leader, bringing out the best in others and capitalizing on the unique skills of individuals. Perhaps I'll be able to take a few lessons from Mr. Single-Piercing and give it my own Mary flair. But before I get ahead of myself, I think I'll just try to master office duties and work on figuring how what the hell it is that I want to do in life.

My Sister's Keeper

I get really excited when the title of the book somehow makes its way into the characters' dialogue or the narration. I also get really excited when someone in a movie says the title of the movie. Scary how this little pleasure of mine resembles one of Peter Griffin's quirks. Oh dear.

But honestly, it's like an "AHA!" moment. I was pretty excited to have experienced one last night:
Julia: "Where's your sister, Anna?"
Jesse: "I'm not my sister's keeper."
Guess the title of the book :D

But, I don't get AS excited when the title of the movie/book is someone's name. Like Forrest Gump (which I watched for the first time last Saturday) or Marley or Harry Potter and the. . .

I realized that I've never written a book review or a movie review before. I think I'm going to try my hand at doing each of those. . .along with a restaurant review. Being the Epicurean that I am, the latter would probably come more easily. We'll see.

Chem-culus & Animal Spirits

It's the first sunny day in since Tuesday, not the kind of day that would provoke people to visit the high school that they recently graduated from, but I did anyway.

The new members of the SGA were awkwardly trying to put together the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon, as they have yet to get to know each other and develop a special bond the the SGA always develops by the end of Homecoming crazies. I quickly moved on to Mr. Siegert's room, hoping to catch him before all the teachers were called down to lunch (so that I would not have to approach him, and other teachers DURING the meal, which sort of makes for an awkward encounter). There, I found Pattie, talking with the jolly, Haiwaiian-shirt-clad Mr. Siegert. "Ready for lunch?" He asked me. "Oh you mean the SGA luncheon?" "No, Pattie & Jesse made pizza for us, we're just about to head over to Mr. Astri's room."

Yes! Finally, I would be able to witness two of my favorite teachers together in one room--- granted, it still would be in a classroom setting, but school had long ended and the prospect of summer was upon us. The only person missing was Dr. Klingaman, whom would complete my Holy Trinity of favorite teachers of all time.

In Astri's room, of course, we found Teresa, who seems to have made Room 506 her second home. The five of us sat in somewhat of a circular formation with Siegert and Astri facing each other, Teresa and I next to each other and Pattie across from us. As we reminisced about the funny, miserable and memorable incidents from our Chemistry and Calculus classes, the two of them talked about their former students-- the strange, ingenious and sometimes downright crazy.

While Mr. Siegert remarked about how quiet one kid was, Astri went further to exclaim: "Omar's mother once came to a parent teacher conference and was very concerned about his social skills. And I told her, 'You don't have to be concerned because he doesn't have any!'"

I sat back, thinking that the two are indeed a dynamic duo, one setting up the other's jokes. Siegert brought out a talkative and jovial side of Astri that is often a rarity hidden in his biting scarcasm and zen-like movements. It was certainly a treat to see the two of them together.

But, I still find that conversation comes more easily with Dr. K than with anyone else. Maybe it's because he has read the college essays in which I poured out the most of myself. Or maybe as more humanities-oriented people, we have more in common with each other and we're intrigued by the same things. There's something very familiar about his absent-minded-ness and spontaneous exclamations like "Hotdog!"

At any rate, it was an interesting day.

His Majesty's Psyche

1. Two nights ago, part of my dream was that my Hum class was supposed to be the defense attorneys for King Henry VIII. We had to defend his religious, political and personal actions. Tom & Ida in particular were freaking out because they couldn't agree with his actions enough to force themselves to defend his majesty. Haha. Thank goodness I only have 5 more episodes of Season 2 left to watch!

2. I just finished a pretty good book titled Sway. It's about irrational behavior, a mix of psychology & business because it not only examines why people make irrational decisions when the rational decision seems obvious, it also relates it to consumers and businessmen. It cites many examples of experiments where people misjudge people and items simply because of the surroundings that they've been placed in. For example, Joshua Bell, a world famous violinist, wore street clothes & took is $3.5 million Stradivarius violin down to the DC metro to do street performances. He played the same pieces that he would play on his world tours, but very few people stopped to listen, or even looked at him. They dismissed him as just another street performer simply because he wasn't dressed in a tuxedo & he wasn't playing in a great concert hall. The pedestrians didn't think that he was worth the time for them to stop and listen or worth a $1 donation. So throughout the book, one of the reoccurring themes is loss aversion. People hate losing, so the bigger the loss, the authors claim that the more likely it is for people to engage in irrational behaviors. For example, you have a setback on your drive by 10 minutes. So, you're more tempted to weave in & out of lanes in order to get past slow drivers to make up for the lost time. If you lost 15 or 20 minutes, you would probably think even more seriously about speeding and driving recklessly. But the authors caution us against weighing our losses so heavily because in the grand scheme of things, 10 minutes isn't really a long time, especially if you could prevent yourself from getting in an accident and saving your life. So everything should be viewed in the grand scheme of things. I think I have trouble with that concept. Maybe it'll be something I can work on so I don't freak out when I lose hundreds of dollars at a time in a fiscal quarter when I should be thinking in millions.

3. So as I was reading about the labels that people give to others, I was thinking about how it's pretty hard not to generalize or simplify people whom we meet. First, when someone asks you to give a description of a person you just met, you would probably only be able to describe a few things that stood out about them, or the overall feeling that you got from the person by using just a few words. "Oh, he was pretty neatly dressed and courteous. He kept the conversation going, so I found him pretty easy to talk to. Nice guy." I think we automatically pinpoint a person whom we meet for the first time to a few details in addition to the overall feeling we got about him/her because it's the only way for us to intake the info in such a short time. Perhaps that's why later on (in addition to other factors such as the person being more comfortable around you, etc. of course), when we interact with that person more, we find that our 1st impressions were untrue. Or we discover things about the person that we didn't and couldn't pick up on at first. Perhaps he has a tendency to laugh at everything even when it's not funny, but at first, you thought that his laughter was just being friendly. I wonder if it's possible to not judge a person at all when you first meet them. I think it's pretty hard because we're always looking for people who can relate to us, so we tend to like people who made us laugh at the first encounter, or wore something that we liked or told a story that was similar to something that happened in our own lives. I guess that's what separates true friends from just friends in the long run, because we are able to accept the differences in our true friends and recognize them as individuals with unique talents, characteristics, opinions and experiences.

4. I have yet to write something about love or relationships. I feel like I'm wearing rose colored glasses, which would probably prohibit me from writing. . .rawly (err I couldn't find a better word lol). Maybe after a few months, I'll write about long distance relationships.

Let there be. . .babies?

I really think it's unfair that women alone have to bear the burden of childbirth. I mean, if you believe in the Old Testament, wasn't the woman created FROM the man? So then how did it all of a sudden become that the woman had the responsibility of carrying a child inside of her for 9 whole months?

While watching The Tudors, I've been reminded of this injustice again. Even though Henry VIII was a bit despotic, stubborn, lusty & tyrannical, he didn't have to try to divorce or kill off his wives one after another simply because none of them (save Jane Seymour, but she died of scarlet fever due to complications during birth anyway) could give him a son. First of all, it's extremely unfair for the woman to be punished, for something that's only half her fault. Second of all, it's not as if the baby suddenly changes gender in the middle of the pregnancy by the fault of the mother. But, I do have to admit that people were extremely superstitious back then & they all thought that because the queen could not give birth to a son, God was punishing the couple, the marriage is null in the eyes of God, etc.

So what has this childbearing matter metamorphisized into in our time period? Well, for one thing, before women gained more rights (not only in the US, but everywhere else), they were pretty much expected to stay at home in order to have children, take care of the children & to maintain the household. So being a mother was a permanent and perpetual career, practically. But, as soon as women were given more options, education and opportunities, this whole childbearing issue has become some what of a burden. So what, we're expected to pause our lives for 6 months (because I guess you're OK to do stuff for the 1st 3 months or so) & then another month after that to recover & to take care of a newborn child? Sure, employers give women maternity leave, but honestly, do you really expect to pick up your career right where you left it? And don't you think that the men who started working at the same time that you did didn't get promotions and bonuses in your absence? I won't go into the minute details about how anesthesia is bad for your brain, how you will probably be the one waking up in the middle of the night to take care of the baby, which will make you tired and sleep deprived, which is not good for the work environment. . .

At least male favoritism has died away for the most part.

I'm still pretty young, and definitely too young to make up my mind about a lot of aspects of my future, let alone marriage & childbirth. But I think one of the things I'm going to have to face is deciding between being a family-oriented woman & a career-driven woman. I'm not sure that there are enough hours in the day for me to be successful at being both. . .unless I was some how able to run a company from the comfort of my own home or take my child to work haha. Actually, my sister & I have been raised very differently. My dad was going to grad school in Thailand so my mom raised me up to the age of 4 on her on pretty much. And she went to work at the same time. I spent the first year or two with various nannies & eventually went to preschool, where I was always the last kid to get picked up. You would think that I was extremely withdrawn, introverted and unhappy, but I don't think I was. Being raised by a pseudo single mother only made me more independent and outgoing. My sister on the other hand, has never left my mom's side and she used to cry when either my Dad or I had to dress her in the morning on the weekends whenever my mom went grocery shopping. It was always "No, Mommy doesn't put this arm in first" or "That's not how you're supposed to brush my hair." It's interesting to see how different we were and how different we've become. I think no matter what I decide to do for my kids, they will always have flaws, whether it be the fault of my disciplining or not. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to do what's best for them.

So, who knows when or if I'm going to have kids. And who knows how I'm going to raise them. But, I do know that I'm definitely NOT going to send mine to Catholic/boarding/private school. I had a nightmare about that the other night (shudder).

When I was young

There's a song that I used to love called "Yesterday Once More" by the Carpenters. It's a really old song and it goes something like this:

When I was young
I used to listen to the radio,
Waiting for my favorite songs
And when they played I'd sing along
It made me smile.
Those were such happy times
And not so long ago
That I wonder where they'd gone.
But they're back again,
Just like a long lost friend,
All the songs I loved so well. . .

It's a really nonchalant and sort of nostalgic song that I just remembered today because I was discussing people's upbringings with someone and this song was one of those things that I'll always remember about my childhood.

He said that there are so many factors that shape a person's personality. It almost makes me feel as if it's impossible to change a person so easily because there is so much history and so many interrelated factors that you must change or eradicate in order to change that part of the person's personality.

For instance, I guess I still have the need to be in the center of attention, though that part of me has been quelled over the years. In preschool in China, I would rally all the kids to dance on the tables. And in Thailand, I would recite Chinese poems one after another to a gushing crowd of grad students just to feel like the smartest, most loved little girl in the world. And once I entered school, I would always raise my hand to answer questions or burst out with an answer even when I wasn't called upon. I'm not sure where this love for attention comes from, but I'm sure if someone wanted to change that about me, they would have to change the fact that I'm outgoing by nature, fearless as a child and so forth. Where does it stop? It doesn't. It makes me wonder how much do you have to try in order to change something about yourself and how much influence do you need to have on someone to motivate them to change?

For me, this has always been a problem. I always wish that I have the power to be able to influence someone to change for the better, or to be able to change people's beliefs such as racism. But I know that to change someone is to practically erase their entire former existence and to start their life all over again, and to eradicate the roots of racism would be to change the genetic makeup of the human race so that there is no difference in the way we have all been created. And that, is an impossible task.

And so, I guess my new task should just be to accept the past and deal with the present. I won't let it be yesterday once more.

P.S. How do I change my time? It's like 4 hours off from EST.

The First of Many

I've always used Blogspot for school projects (whenever teachers asks us to create stupid, useless websites). So this will be my first time using this host as a personal blog. I have to admit, it's hard to part with Xanga, the main blogging community used by my peers during the middle school years. Too bad my first few xangas have already been deleted and destroyed, because I really wish I could go back to them and have a good laugh at my naiveity. Since I joined Xanga, much of my thoughts were recorded online as oposed to a diary. Thus, the only record of my teenage angst and trivial daily activities have been lost in cyberspace. FOREVER (DUNDUNDUN).

Anyway, I suppose it will take some getting used to, this whole Blogspot business. But I hope that leaving Xanga will be a good step towards making a more meaningful blog, separate from my middle school and high school years. So here's to progress.

Cheers,
M