Death of an Elephant

I started reading Water for Elephants today, after I saw a copy of it in Chinese at the library. That doesn't quite explain why I stopped reading the Life of Pi & picked up Water for Elephants, which had already been sitting at home for a week, but basically, I thought, "Well, if it got translated into Chinese, then it must be a worthwhile book to read."

So, as I'm reading, this horrible feeling of dread and fear creep up on me because the narrator is 90-something years old in the first chapter. I couldn't help but to picture wrinkly, helpless senior citizens sitting around in the cafeteria knowing that today, tomorrow, or perhaps a week from now, would be their last day on earth. Then I began thinking about what would happen to me when I die. The most unpleasant part to imagine was having dirt dumped over my face, but I soon realized that that would never happen, because I would be inside a coffin. But seriously, the most unsettling part about death is not knowing what happens to your body and to your soul, if there even is such a thing. Would it just be like being paralyzed in a dark room? Or would it be like sleeping, where you're taken into a dream world? I wonder if people will ever think of me after I pass and if I'll be aware that they're thinking of me. I wonder if I'll be aware of anything at all. What am I supposed to do and where am I supposed to be after I leave this world? I don't really know the answers to any of these questions and I'm sure that no matter what faith or religion you believe, there are no concrete pieces of evidence to support what people believe to happen to people after death. No one has ever come back from the grave to let us know, so we can only speculate. . .which led me to think that perhaps I need to believe in something. Not just a something that I make up in my head, but an actual cause or religion. I want to believe that there is a heaven, or that we reincarnate or that our soul lives on because I can't just accept darkness and emptiness.

I'm taking a religion class (Tibetan Buddhism) in the fall, because the religion class I wanted to take (Faith and Doubt in the Modern Age) didn't fit into my schedule. But I also want to explore other religious groups on campus and hopefully, the next time I think about death, I won't feel so uneasy.